It's In The Book (Or Maybe Not)

Christians love telling each other how sinful they are. If everybody is talking about their favorite foods a Christian will try to kill the mood by pointing out that, "Man does not live by bread alone." (Matthew 4:4) And if everybody is eagerly talking about their retirement plans, a killjoy Christian will say, "There's nothing in the Bible that talks about retirement." 

That's what Greg Gianforte told his audience during a speech at the Montana Bible College in February 2015:

There's nothing in the Bible that talks about retirement. And yet it's been an accepted concept in our culture today. Nowhere does it say, 'Well, he was a good and faithful servant, so he went to the beach.' It doesn't say that anywhere ... The example I think of is Noah. How old was Noah when he built the ark? 600. He wasn't like, cashing Social Security checks, he wasn't hanging out, he was working. Right? So, I think we have an obligation to work. Now the role we have in work may change over time, but the concept of retirement is not biblical.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/06/09/greg-gianforte-montana

But how come the Christian always manages to find a biblical text that fits so neatly into the conversation? Well some of the sayings are so well-known they have become cliches, but oftentimes the Christians will just make something up!

They don't give a damn about whether or not the bible says such a thing as long as they score a debating point. And they do so, safe in the knowledge that no other Christian is going to haul out a bible and start looking for the alleged text.

So when I heard Greg Gianforte saying that retirement is not mentioned in the bible, I decided not to take his word for it. Instead I went to an on-line concordance; typed-in "retire", and up popped this result:

http://www.blueletterbible.org/search/

Proof once again that accusing a Christian of "telling lies for Jesus" is not an insult but a statement of fact.

-----

In the days before the Internet I had several popular versions of the bible and their Concordances as well. In all my life I never met a Christian who had one. In fact, I never came across a Christian who even knew what a Concordance was! (Priests and parsons knew of course, but I'm talking about ordinary parishioners.)

The Meaning Of Life

Question: What is the purpose of our life? Why are we here?


Answer: We are here to provide a safe haven for tapeworms.

Queen's Birthday in South Australia

I woke up this morning (June 8th) and was surprised to find there was no traffic in the street. I did some checking on the Internet and discovered that it was a public holiday celebrating the Queen's birthday. (I'm retired so I don't have to keep track of public holidays - every day is a holiday for me.)

Funny thing though - the Queen was born on April 21st so why are we celebrating her birthday on June 8th?

Well her grandfather was born on June 3rd !

No seriously.

Up until 1936 Australians had always celebrated the monarch's birthday on the actual anniversary of their birth, but when King George V died in 1936 we said, "Fuck it, let's not keep on changing the dates for all the future monarchs, let's always have the public holiday early in June each year; same as we did for King George V last year.

So that's why we celebrate the Queen's birthday on  June 8th this year

Except in Western Australia where the Queen's birthday is celebrated in late September each year !

And in Queensland next year where they are going to celebrate her birthday on October 3rd.

So now you know?

http://publicholidays.com.au/queens-birthday/

Christian Prophecies Are 100% Accurate

Every few days you will hear a Christian preacher declaring that he has just received a message from god. Usually some nonsense about earthquakes, or tornadoes, or something equally terrible: If we don't pray harder the god of love will kill us all.

• If the earthquake comes the preacher will say, "I predicted that."
• If the earthquake doesn't come the preacher will say, "God saved us because you followed my instructions and prayed harder."

It's easy to understand a pompous preacher pulling a stunt like that, but the thing that gets me is that the mugs in the pews fall for it every time. They marvel at the 100% accuracy of the preacher's predictions and it never occurs to them that the predictions are intentionally designed that way.

Jesus Didn't Save These Christians

An Islamic State militant has reportedly converted to Christianity after dreaming of a “man in white,” who he believed was Jesus.

The Christian Post reports the ISIS fighter had killed many Christians before the dream, and had confessed that he “actually enjoyed” killing the Christians. 

[...]

In another dream, Jesus asked him to follow him and he was now asking to become a follower of Christ and to be disciple.
http://www.christianheadlines.com/

So Jesus just sat back and watched while the Muslim fanatic killed innocent Christians one after the other - and then he saved the murderer!

I guess the Christians were just collateral damage. Not worth a pinch of shit to Jesus; not when he's got a Muslim to convert.

You Can See God - But You Have To Be Stupid First

A narrow red stain that has remained for years beneath a painting of a crucified Christ at the Saint John the Evangelist church in Newport, Rhode Island, has led the church's pastor to speculate on its possible meaning and the presence of Jesus.

Providence Journal reported on Monday that the 140-year-old Episcopal church has recently been attracting attention for the strange rust-colored stain, which in the right light appears to be coming directly from Jesus' crucified feet.

http://www.christianpost.com/news/mysterious-red-mark

Lord and Master of the Universe. Creator of all things past, present, and future. But you can't see the signs unless you bend down and squint a little bit - and the light has to be just right !

Is there anything dopier than a Christian looking for signs of the supernatural?

The Snow Report

In Australia most radio stations include a Snow Report in their weather forecasts. They make it sound like it is coming direct from the Weather Bureau but it is nothing more than an advertisement, paid for and produced by, the hotel owners. 

As a result, these reports are not designed to provide accurate information about snow conditions, but simply to entice people to travel to the area whether skiing is possible or not. The more people booking accommodation the more money the hotel makes.

So I was very surprised when one reporter decided not to go along with the lie. His Snow Report went something like this:

So what are conditions like up there at the moment? 

Well there's always good snow cover at this time of the year.

Yes, but what about today? 

It looks like we're set for a great weekend.

But what about snow cover? 

Well as I look out the window all I can see is white.

Yes but how deep is it?

Well I don't know exactly how deep it is in centimetres.

Centimetres! It wouldn't even be millimetres would it?

And that's where my memory fails. I simply cannot recall how the Snow Report ended but one thing was clear: the radio man wasn't letting the hotel owner tell any lies that particular day.