Dealing With Proselytizers

Have you ever come across those people who gently introduce the subject of religion into a casual conversation? I always get a bit wary when that happens because they often turn out to be proselytizers and if you give them half a chance they will start preaching at you. And the worst part is that they don't really give a stuff about you because it's all about them! They are not trying to save you from hell, they are trying to get themselves into heaven. In the back of their mind they are thinking: "Look at me Jesus. See how hard I work for you; preaching your message to everyone I meet. Surely you cannot deny me a place in heaven after everything I've done for you."

So I don't give them a chance to start preaching. Instead of letting them preach, I start asking questions that they have probably never heard before:

What is the correct form of baptism? Affusion? Aspersion? or Immersion? Usually they have to go away and check what the hell those words mean. If they come back with an answer I ask more questions. If the proselytizer opts for Affusion, I ask: Why do you prefer Affusion to Aspersion? Then I ask: Where is Affusion taught in the Bible? If they choose Immersion as the correct form of Baptism I ask if that's Full Immersion, or Partial Immersion? Why is that the case? What is the Bible reference?

I never argue with them, or poke fun at them. I just keep on asking questions in a tone of voice that suggests I might even be interested in their answers. It's the best way to do it because it keeps them on the back-foot, and doesn't give them a chance to accuse me of being rude.

Or I ask if they agree that Patripassianism is true? If they admit ignorance I tell them to go and look it up and that gets rid of them for a while. (Patripassianism is the belief that the Father and Son are not two distinct persons, and thus God the Father suffered on the cross as Jesus.)

Sometimes I ask for the names of all the Apostles - that's apostles, not disciples. There are more than twelve apostles named in the Bible so that will probably shut them up for a day or two. (You can find the names here: Mark 3:13-18; Matthew 10:2-4; Acts 1:13-26; John 1:40-50; 6:71; 20:24; and 21:2; 2 Corinthians 1:1)

Or I ask them what was the first thing Moses commanded when he came back from the mountain with a commandment that said, "You shall not kill"? (The answer is in Exodus 32:27-28: This is what the Lord, the God of Israel, says: ‘Each man strap a sword to his side. Go back and forth through the camp from one end to the other, each killing his brother and friend and neighbor.’ The Levites did as Moses commanded, and that day about three thousand of the people died.)

Or I ask them to explain Malachi 2:1-3 which describes the penalty for failing to honour the name of God. In the New International Version that text has God saying: "I will smear on your faces the dung from your festival sacrifices." One believer told me that it was a symbolic punishment so I asked what was being symbolized while the poo was smeared on.

Usually one question per day is enough to stop them dead in their tracks - and by the end of the week they will have found some other subject to talk about.